Monday, July 13, 2009

Let Us Pray

Today's song is appropriate. Let Us Pray by Steven Curtis Chapman

I think I might be getting to the I feel trapped in the duplex, I love my cats but not 24/7/365, I feel useless, I hate spending large amounts of my time by myself, I could use a hug stage. The only thing in there I like is the I could use a hug because I could always use a hug. Oh and I hate this because this is not how I wanted to be. I wanted to be all joyful and relying on God. And all happy and upbeat.

Sometimes it's hard to deal with stuff. Things tend to creep in and you think back. Here it is July 2009 and I still have not yet found a full time job after getting fired in October 2003. I know that for the longest time I kept applying for jobs with school districts - trying to either teach in K-12 again or get on as a school counselor because I thought being a school counselor was what I was supposed to do. It took me a while to see that it was not where I was supposed to be - I have let my teaching certificate expire and I will not go back because I have learned the doors are shut there. Which I am glad - the entire time I spent teaching I never felt like that was where I was supposed to be. I have applied for other positions, but haven't gotten those. I was willing to do them if the door opened up, but for some reason it never did - do not understand. I know only God does. Although I do see why I didn't get this one job back in late October 2003 - my cat K.C. had just passed away. Add to all of that the getting fired thing, I was struggling big time with my faith and then the cat decides to purchase a farm and well it sort of makes me laugh a little. But I couldn't help it.

I know God did provide for me - through subbing. I subbed for Dallas ISD while trying to find a position in a school from October 2003 to May 2007. I said I would stay subbing until I found something else. I am glad I went ahead and quit. I subbed for Arlington ISD for part of the 2007-08 school year and ended up getting on at Westwood College. So yay! So maybe I can see the hand of God in all of this - He is pointing me in the direction of college. Because when I look back I do not think it was a coincidence that the day I was getting offered an adjunct instructor position at Navarro College that I was unknowingly getting canned at Westwood College (which was fine by me - Westwood College is odd). So getting into an actual community college was much better for me. And I did get to work all sorts of interesting jobs last summer and during the fall and started teaching at Navarro College. Then they put me to teaching four classes - one almost kicked my bootay. I kid you not I managed to read all 19 chapters of Human Lifespan Development in less than 16 weeks. Someone said I didn't have to cover all of the chapters - I was like ummmm yes I do it is human lifespan development. I can't just skip adolescence (as much as I wanted to lol). And then I got to teach May mini-mester and then Summer Term 1. So I know God's hand has been in all of it. I am scheduled to teach four classes in the fall and I am on board for winter mini-mester.

But I ask what about right now. I didn't get to teach Summer Term 2 and in the back if my mind there is slight panic that sometimes roars its ugly head and makes it hard to trust God in all of this. How am I ever going to pay all of my August expenses and how am I going to pay my September rent? And when is it going to be my turn to be able to announce to people in multiple states that I got a full time job doing something I am passionate about and I love. Now everyone go commence having a celebratory dinner on my behalf. When do I get a chance to go on missions trips again and not feel left out? And what ever am I going to do with myself right now because I might be at that stage? I want to find some temporary short term work. I am applying - I applied for 35 jobs last week. I can't take this anymore. Not all of them were for short term positions. Someone said - you have to step away from Navarro College if you find something else. But don't you understand? I am doing something I enjoy. Finally I feel connected and not wandering and unfulfilled like I used to. And I did apply for a full time academic counselor position at the college that I hope they call me for an interview. I interviewed last year for this same position, but I can see why I didn't get it. Maybe it might not have been the right time. I don't think it was a coincidence that another position opened up - especially when I learn that the position will entail being over student activities. That is so right up my alley. I was in student activities and student government and band and Tau Beta Sigma in addition to having two jobs one year, four jobs one semester, and two jobs the following semester.

So I just want it to be my turn. Is that too much to ask of God? For it to be my turn? I sometimes see all these people that I feel He is blessing and using and I am like what about me? I know I shouldn't ask that. If this is what God has planned for my life then I somehow have to see how Jeremiah 29:11 ties in and just put on those glasses. But still I want a chance too.

And then the prayers I have been praying. They have not been answered either way so I am still praying. I will pray until there are answers. I can't give up. I do hope that God answers them in the affirmative. That would be nice.

Okay my apologies for all of this. I just had to get it out.


I hear you say your heart is aching
You've got trouble in the making
And you ask if I'll be praying for you please
And in keeping with conviction
I'll say yes with good intentions
To pray later making mention of your needs
But since we have this moment here at heaven's door
We should start knocking now, what are we waiting for?

Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
For the Father above, He is listening with love
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray

So when we feel the Spirit moving
Prompting, prodding and behooving
There is no time to be losing, let us pray
Let the Father hear us saying
What we need to be conveying
Even while this song is playing, let us pray
And just because we say the word, "Amen"
It doesn't mean this conversationi needs to end

Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray

Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence
As our prayers draw us near
To the One who knows our needs
Before we even call His name

Let us pray everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray

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